How to NOT Get Laughed At While Playing Paintball

Cowering
There is nothing more annoying to a seasoned veteran than to be prepping for a big move, only to look over and see their only cover cowering behind a bunker -- aka you. If somebody that looks like they know what they are doing motions or yells at you to move up, and you yell back "I'm giving you cover fire!..." you might as well just start the ridicule yourself.

In case you didn't know, paintballs won't kill you. If you are shot out, you go to the dead zone, get some water, rest for a bit...no big deal. However, glory is forever. If you make a big move, you have the God given right to brag about it until the cows come home.

Huddling Together
When you are fighting for a position on the field, it's all about the angles. You want to spread out as much as possible. If you are hiding behind a bunker, one person is perfect, two is a crowd, three is suicide. Stacking a bunch of guys up in one spot is kind of like hunting for a date at a family reunion. You can do it, but your possibilities are limited, and often the results are "undesirable."

While the picture below may look cool, if one guy appears on their flank they are all going to be screwed. Not to mention that the more people behind a bunker the less options you have for popping up at different locations; so they are drastically increasing their chances of getting popped when they shoot.

Look Like a F
There are two primary ways to look like an f'n tool:

First of all, you can dress up all "agg" with a nice crisp new jersey, new pants and pull out your shiny new electro...than never do anything on the field. If you aren't bleeding, soaked in mud and don't have at least half a case of paintball shells in your hair than you obviously weren't working hard enough.

The other way to look like an f'n tool is to bear ANY resemblance to this guy at the bottom of the section.

My recommendation to new players is to wear a pair of cheap jeans and a dark colored shirt. You don't need to look like you know anything, in fact if you do something cool, and you don't look like you know what you are doing, you'll get mad props from all the guys on the field.

Say "I'm a sniper"
Totally disregarding the debate as to whether or not snipers actually exist in paintball, it's a REALLY bad idea for a newbie to call themselves a sniper. There simply isn't a faster way to get a *palmface* from all the experienced guys than to subject them to your tales of "sniperdom." This isn't to say that I have anything against snipers, it's just that it's not a role you can get into in your first couple games. Take a lesson from the pros, just do your thing and if other people call you a sniper, that's cool, if not, that's cool too.

General stupid crap...
While it may make for good movie scenes to run around with your mask off shoot guys wear... it "counts." It's generally not a good idea unless you want to be burnt at the stake, kicked in the face, than mocked ruthlessly. You are going to do stupid crap accidentally one way or the other, just try to make sure you are as safe as possible while doing said stupid crap and don't go about purposefully being a douche bag.

A couple things to keep in mind:
1) Keep your mask on anytime you are on the field. I don't want to hear "wah its too hot," suck it up...there's no whining in paintball.
2) Between games be safe, and use a condom...not THAT kind of condom, a barrel condom, you perverts.
3) When in doubt, put your marker on safety. I do this even when in the middle of a game between engagements. This keeps it from going off accidentally and telling everybody where I am.

Longballing
Lastly, longballing is almost never a good idea (guys with flatlines and Apex's this applies to you too). This author has been known to mercilessly pelvic thrust and walk like an Egyptian into oncoming longball fire. If you want to be spared the embarrassment of being mocked, and generally wasting truckloads of paint, watch where your balls are landing. If they are hitting the dirt and bouncing anywhere near your target, you are probably too far. Move up and engage. Any hits you may make at that range will likely just bounce off your opponent.